This is the end of this chapter.
I have a long list of boxes to tick but i need to find "Suhada" again before i can get there. I have so many things to say, just theres no meaning behind any of it. There are so many voices in my head, telling me of all the things I have to do, just i think its time I put them on mute and just listen to Suhada.
I want colour in my painting, just right now its all black, its time to find a rainbow. Time to be honest with myself.
Rest easy kids, ill be seeing you soon.
This Chapter is closed...
Suhada.xx
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Saturday, March 6, 2010
74 aint so small
Dear Friends lover sinners and saints
Water shall always cut itself a new path, it simply flows. A stream never stops to ponder why it flows, it simply just goes with it.
I think its time to just be like the stream and flow through. Sometimes wasting time wondering what the bigger picture is, stops us from getting there.
A drop of water, can one day emminate sounds from the ocean. Its high time I started goin with the flow, time to find the ocean
much love..
suhada.xx
Water shall always cut itself a new path, it simply flows. A stream never stops to ponder why it flows, it simply just goes with it.
I think its time to just be like the stream and flow through. Sometimes wasting time wondering what the bigger picture is, stops us from getting there.
A drop of water, can one day emminate sounds from the ocean. Its high time I started goin with the flow, time to find the ocean
much love..
suhada.xx
Monday, March 1, 2010
Counting Sheep
Call me weird, stupid or any other insult you may wish, I don't plan to fight with whatever you think, for I am what you think...
but for want of a better topic i'm afraid to sleep....
The lives we lead are a strangled dissaray of thoughts, events and emotions, they hold no consequence, no real purpose. I feel that the world we live in is madness, living a life in fast foward is no consellation. Yet I find that the only time things really start to slow down, where I can really see things for what they are is laying in bed watching the light of day fade.
Yet when I start looking at things for what they really are I can't help but be full of disdain, for past regrets, for failing in being the person I should be. I know this may sound like the typical ''teen angst'' story but my lifes been full of too many ''what ifs'' that only come to fruition as i lay in wake for the tide to turn a new day.
But the past is at is sounds right?... nothing but the past. It is said and done, written in stone. There isn't any do overs, restarts or page refresh buttons in lifes game. Suffice to say our past is the foundation for our present, our current state culminate who we are here and now. I guess here and now, i feel crippled, there is so much adversity and animosity that I still have trouble comprehending but im whole right. I think that its only through overcoming life's greatest obstacles can we truly learn, for what better way to leave imrpints onto ones life of its preciousnous than seing its frailty first hand?
So that is my present, a constant battle within my own thoughts, a war with myself...
Our present holds the key for our future, and i have no idea where any of that entails hence resulting in my certain dislike of sleep. But i guess for the sake of my sleep trying to solve lifes problems by dwelling on my past and fixating on my future holds no resolves. Lifes questions may stem from thoughts of the future and memories of our past but its resolve result in our present state.
Its 3:21am 2nd of February, im listening to ''downfall of us all'' by a day to remember im in my room but most importantly im living in the present.
time for some much needed rest.
rest easy kids
love suhada.xx
but for want of a better topic i'm afraid to sleep....
The lives we lead are a strangled dissaray of thoughts, events and emotions, they hold no consequence, no real purpose. I feel that the world we live in is madness, living a life in fast foward is no consellation. Yet I find that the only time things really start to slow down, where I can really see things for what they are is laying in bed watching the light of day fade.
Yet when I start looking at things for what they really are I can't help but be full of disdain, for past regrets, for failing in being the person I should be. I know this may sound like the typical ''teen angst'' story but my lifes been full of too many ''what ifs'' that only come to fruition as i lay in wake for the tide to turn a new day.
But the past is at is sounds right?... nothing but the past. It is said and done, written in stone. There isn't any do overs, restarts or page refresh buttons in lifes game. Suffice to say our past is the foundation for our present, our current state culminate who we are here and now. I guess here and now, i feel crippled, there is so much adversity and animosity that I still have trouble comprehending but im whole right. I think that its only through overcoming life's greatest obstacles can we truly learn, for what better way to leave imrpints onto ones life of its preciousnous than seing its frailty first hand?
So that is my present, a constant battle within my own thoughts, a war with myself...
Our present holds the key for our future, and i have no idea where any of that entails hence resulting in my certain dislike of sleep. But i guess for the sake of my sleep trying to solve lifes problems by dwelling on my past and fixating on my future holds no resolves. Lifes questions may stem from thoughts of the future and memories of our past but its resolve result in our present state.
Its 3:21am 2nd of February, im listening to ''downfall of us all'' by a day to remember im in my room but most importantly im living in the present.
time for some much needed rest.
rest easy kids
love suhada.xx
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Crossroads to a homecoming
Dear friends lovers and saints
thoughts, emotions... there all a dream... ive started to think none of it is truly real, its all empty. The moment we cling to that dream does it become a nightmare.
there will always be a nightmare waiting for us, always another obstacle in the way, we all have that inner demon. I used to think that social reform was a pointless cause, the demons would always win, how could i truly turn a new leaf, how can one be born again after so many tried and tested attempts in doing so.... all of which have failed.
i wanted to find safe shores, yet having to swim against the current was too arduous a task, what easier than to drown in a pool of my own suffering.
Ive come to think that the pool of suffering is all but self created. We create the mental state we are in, we create those demons, whose to say we can't find a way of putting it to rest, whose to say that we are already on safe shores we just fail to see it for what it truly is.
I want to come home, no more drowning, no more frowning. I want to be who i am again, I know im home, i just want to see it for its true colours.
Normally i have some bit of wisdom to impart, but i can safely say that im lost. Ive gotten this far, this is my crossroads. I have no light, no guide but i have faith. Where all gonna get there some day right? Otherwise whats the point playing life's game if its all a frown?
I think we all need to stop running, stop dreaming, stop drowning. Every day is a new birth, holding a new fortune, new life. We will get there, we just have to start believing.
Im sorry this post lacks any insight or any interesting stories, i just needed to get it off my chest.
catcha suhada.xx
ps. shout out to sucrose thanks for the comment, the disintrest in my blog made me feel that my blog was pointless, but u got the wheels turning again.
thoughts, emotions... there all a dream... ive started to think none of it is truly real, its all empty. The moment we cling to that dream does it become a nightmare.
there will always be a nightmare waiting for us, always another obstacle in the way, we all have that inner demon. I used to think that social reform was a pointless cause, the demons would always win, how could i truly turn a new leaf, how can one be born again after so many tried and tested attempts in doing so.... all of which have failed.
i wanted to find safe shores, yet having to swim against the current was too arduous a task, what easier than to drown in a pool of my own suffering.
Ive come to think that the pool of suffering is all but self created. We create the mental state we are in, we create those demons, whose to say we can't find a way of putting it to rest, whose to say that we are already on safe shores we just fail to see it for what it truly is.
I want to come home, no more drowning, no more frowning. I want to be who i am again, I know im home, i just want to see it for its true colours.
Normally i have some bit of wisdom to impart, but i can safely say that im lost. Ive gotten this far, this is my crossroads. I have no light, no guide but i have faith. Where all gonna get there some day right? Otherwise whats the point playing life's game if its all a frown?
I think we all need to stop running, stop dreaming, stop drowning. Every day is a new birth, holding a new fortune, new life. We will get there, we just have to start believing.
Im sorry this post lacks any insight or any interesting stories, i just needed to get it off my chest.
catcha suhada.xx
ps. shout out to sucrose thanks for the comment, the disintrest in my blog made me feel that my blog was pointless, but u got the wheels turning again.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
For the Prince to earn his Crown
We all have our problems...
We all have a home but are without a key... We all want to fly but have no wings...
For the past few months, ive felt as if been perpetuating in a state of confusion. Floating rather than standing. Yet i think it gets to a point where fighting with yourself gets you nowhere, like a butterfly struggling to escape its cacoon is still but a butterfly.
I think at times of such great adversity one must forget all they know, to let go of their views and ego and simply start again. For the light of a new day holds rays of hope, that lay glowing in the eminent dark. For we all hold that key, we all have our wings, there just plagued with such impurity that only the purity of rebirth can allow us to see it again.
I think now im slowly on the mend but this time im starting from scratch, no more floating, time to stand strong. I think it gets to a point where one has to be honest to themself and understand what they really want and who they really are.
That being said the words of one wiser than i come to mind. ''For a prince to be given a crown they are sure to misuse it, and tarnish its ambience. Yet to earn it they may call forth others to dance in its afterglow.''
So i guess its time to stand strong, no more fear, no more compromise... time for the prince to earn his crown
and may the turn of this lunar year bring new hope for us all
much love, Suhada.xx
We all have a home but are without a key... We all want to fly but have no wings...
For the past few months, ive felt as if been perpetuating in a state of confusion. Floating rather than standing. Yet i think it gets to a point where fighting with yourself gets you nowhere, like a butterfly struggling to escape its cacoon is still but a butterfly.
I think at times of such great adversity one must forget all they know, to let go of their views and ego and simply start again. For the light of a new day holds rays of hope, that lay glowing in the eminent dark. For we all hold that key, we all have our wings, there just plagued with such impurity that only the purity of rebirth can allow us to see it again.
I think now im slowly on the mend but this time im starting from scratch, no more floating, time to stand strong. I think it gets to a point where one has to be honest to themself and understand what they really want and who they really are.
That being said the words of one wiser than i come to mind. ''For a prince to be given a crown they are sure to misuse it, and tarnish its ambience. Yet to earn it they may call forth others to dance in its afterglow.''
So i guess its time to stand strong, no more fear, no more compromise... time for the prince to earn his crown
and may the turn of this lunar year bring new hope for us all
much love, Suhada.xx
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Monk Diaries 2: Every Dog has its day, and the saga of my curly fringe
Dear friends lovers sinners and saints
I'd like to start this post with some wise words from Hellen Keller, i quote ''the world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it''.
Before your thoughts go into a flurry of ''omg another melodramtic post on the negativities of life and our futile existence'', i shall just say that this post lacks mention of rainbows, fluffy bunnies and a false ideality but it does hold some light of hope.... if not my blogs would be a total drag =]
We live in a world of suffering, i'd like to think our purpose in life is to find a way to overcome it, through means by which our morals are based upon. Yet prior to my Sarnarth experience i like most others had a very narrow minded view of what suffering really is. I think most of us live in a bubble, we only so the world in relation to ourselves and through are own misguided perspective. During my venture of 09 i went through the typical angsty teenager phase wherease i thought everything in my life sucked, school sucked, parents sucked, guitar sucked blah blah, you get the picture. Well one incident however stupid it may sound changed my view to what suffering really is and sure as hell burst the bubble i lived in.
In Sarnarth all the guys stayed in a totally awesome chinese temple. By awesome i don't mean 7 star facilities with a massive pool golf course and ridiculously hot girls walking around the place, i mean squatting toilets, bugs like everywhere hard ass beds and the wafting smells of rotting garbage and who knows wat else coming from the street. Yep certainly a minimalistic way of living, yet ironically letting go of wordly needs felt all to liberating. Well after just gettin used to my humble livings it rained like all hell. After struggling in an attempt to find the perfect way to describe the rain all i can come up with is that it was like the population of china falling from the sky. Yet as much as id love raining asians rain in india aint as appealling. Days of mud rubbish sewage and animal faeces flowed through the street. Back at the chinese temple there were a family of dogs and in an attempt to get her puppies away from the rain the mother dog(saying bitch sounds too harsh of mouth) carried her puppies in her teeth. Not to our knowledge however was that the mother dog(eh saying mother dog is such a hassle but bitch is so colloquial somebody think of alternate name!) bit down too hard on the puppy leaving a gaping wound in its head and hip. Two days later we woke to the sounds of this puppy screaming in pain. I know dogs to be reseliant creatures even as puppies but here was this puppy shrieking in distress, having no idea what was wrong with it. None of us there had any idea of what to do so we washed it and put medicine over the wound and to our surprise maggots came out of its head.
This was very much a rude awakening to how i viewed life's hardhsips. Prior to seeing the struggle of this puppy i used to think suffering was when my fringe would go all curly instead of bein straight, or a annoying year 7 would buy the last apple pie in the canteen, i can't help but feeling pathetic for such a view of the world.
Yet back to the story of this puppy so after we washed it was a miserable heap. It would shiver in a corner, I came to the conclusion it was going to die a miserable death. So its screams of pain and distress continued for another 2 days, I remember spending long periods of my afternoon trying to calm it down as i watched blood drip from its wounds completely pissed with myself i couldn't do anything else for it. Yet to cut a long story short we eventually got a moth ball and pasted it over the its wounds and instantly like 20 maggots came out. I won't deem the sight with a vivid description other than saying it was mucho grose.
So after that the puppy started steps to recovery and suffice to say witnessing the ordeal of this poor animal made me wake up from a state of disallusion. I realised from puppy(we never gave it an actual name other than puppy) that suffering is a state of mind, purely a handicap to slow us down in life's seemingly never ending race. If we succumb to the ocean of suffering we live in how can we ever strive foward to see how things truly are, all we can do is down. With that i shall say my goal is to have peace of mind and to see things as they really are, instead of viewing the issue of my fringe being curly instead of straight as suffering i would see it simple as having a curly fringe. Such is a lesson i learnt form puppy and the people of india. Most of the people i encountered lead lives not being assured where their next meal will come from or if they will be able to scrounge a living for the day. Yet they are happy, like don't get me wrong there loud, smell and rude, but more importantly they are happy while they do it. They don't cling to events of the past or thinking ''what if'', pondering what the future may hold they live in the present moment.
I can safely say the people of india and even more so one puppy taught me how to deal with ones adverse challenges, i too hope you can have peace of mind and hope this post burst your bubble!
later days
suhada.xx
I'd like to start this post with some wise words from Hellen Keller, i quote ''the world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it''.
Before your thoughts go into a flurry of ''omg another melodramtic post on the negativities of life and our futile existence'', i shall just say that this post lacks mention of rainbows, fluffy bunnies and a false ideality but it does hold some light of hope.... if not my blogs would be a total drag =]
We live in a world of suffering, i'd like to think our purpose in life is to find a way to overcome it, through means by which our morals are based upon. Yet prior to my Sarnarth experience i like most others had a very narrow minded view of what suffering really is. I think most of us live in a bubble, we only so the world in relation to ourselves and through are own misguided perspective. During my venture of 09 i went through the typical angsty teenager phase wherease i thought everything in my life sucked, school sucked, parents sucked, guitar sucked blah blah, you get the picture. Well one incident however stupid it may sound changed my view to what suffering really is and sure as hell burst the bubble i lived in.
In Sarnarth all the guys stayed in a totally awesome chinese temple. By awesome i don't mean 7 star facilities with a massive pool golf course and ridiculously hot girls walking around the place, i mean squatting toilets, bugs like everywhere hard ass beds and the wafting smells of rotting garbage and who knows wat else coming from the street. Yep certainly a minimalistic way of living, yet ironically letting go of wordly needs felt all to liberating. Well after just gettin used to my humble livings it rained like all hell. After struggling in an attempt to find the perfect way to describe the rain all i can come up with is that it was like the population of china falling from the sky. Yet as much as id love raining asians rain in india aint as appealling. Days of mud rubbish sewage and animal faeces flowed through the street. Back at the chinese temple there were a family of dogs and in an attempt to get her puppies away from the rain the mother dog(saying bitch sounds too harsh of mouth) carried her puppies in her teeth. Not to our knowledge however was that the mother dog(eh saying mother dog is such a hassle but bitch is so colloquial somebody think of alternate name!) bit down too hard on the puppy leaving a gaping wound in its head and hip. Two days later we woke to the sounds of this puppy screaming in pain. I know dogs to be reseliant creatures even as puppies but here was this puppy shrieking in distress, having no idea what was wrong with it. None of us there had any idea of what to do so we washed it and put medicine over the wound and to our surprise maggots came out of its head.
This was very much a rude awakening to how i viewed life's hardhsips. Prior to seeing the struggle of this puppy i used to think suffering was when my fringe would go all curly instead of bein straight, or a annoying year 7 would buy the last apple pie in the canteen, i can't help but feeling pathetic for such a view of the world.
Yet back to the story of this puppy so after we washed it was a miserable heap. It would shiver in a corner, I came to the conclusion it was going to die a miserable death. So its screams of pain and distress continued for another 2 days, I remember spending long periods of my afternoon trying to calm it down as i watched blood drip from its wounds completely pissed with myself i couldn't do anything else for it. Yet to cut a long story short we eventually got a moth ball and pasted it over the its wounds and instantly like 20 maggots came out. I won't deem the sight with a vivid description other than saying it was mucho grose.
So after that the puppy started steps to recovery and suffice to say witnessing the ordeal of this poor animal made me wake up from a state of disallusion. I realised from puppy(we never gave it an actual name other than puppy) that suffering is a state of mind, purely a handicap to slow us down in life's seemingly never ending race. If we succumb to the ocean of suffering we live in how can we ever strive foward to see how things truly are, all we can do is down. With that i shall say my goal is to have peace of mind and to see things as they really are, instead of viewing the issue of my fringe being curly instead of straight as suffering i would see it simple as having a curly fringe. Such is a lesson i learnt form puppy and the people of india. Most of the people i encountered lead lives not being assured where their next meal will come from or if they will be able to scrounge a living for the day. Yet they are happy, like don't get me wrong there loud, smell and rude, but more importantly they are happy while they do it. They don't cling to events of the past or thinking ''what if'', pondering what the future may hold they live in the present moment.
I can safely say the people of india and even more so one puppy taught me how to deal with ones adverse challenges, i too hope you can have peace of mind and hope this post burst your bubble!
later days
suhada.xx
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Monk Diaries 1: New years, an introduction to Sarnarth and Hair Conditioner
Dear friends lovers sinners and saints
firstly id like to say a happy new year to all! I have to say 2009 sucked(i couldn't think of a simple literary term to sum it up so i went with the simple option). i guess new years eve is traditionally spent with family, alchohol and the site of fireworks and other grand pyrotechnics. I guess this year i wanted to spend my last day of 2009 a bit differently.
I never intended for my blog to be used to recount events in my life rather my thoughts, but its a new year so what the heck. futhermore our personal experiences shape our outlooks, morals and views, so i thought i ought to give you guys a back story before i start spieling!
I think ive hinted in previous posts that im a buddhist, truth be told ive spent the weekends at the same temple in peats ridge for the past 8 years. i guess it gives me peace of mind. but back to the topic of new years! i spent my new year at temple, in fact my last hour of 2009 i wasn't with friends, dancing being merry and eating good food. i sat alone in a candle lit room that burned with the smell of incence. Yeh i know what your thinking, ''what a depressing to start a new year'' and well to the wider majority who think that your entitiled to your opinion. yet for me it was a chance to reflect on the year thats gone by i guess my first thoughts were that school sucked, my severely lacking love life sucked, life at home sucked, 2009 sucked. Yet after pondering that only through hardship can we learn from our mistakes and strive on to bigger better things and i guess thinking about all the hard times throughout 09 i learnt from every single mistake and bad situation. I guess what im trying to alude to is no year is truly good or bad. Some will prosper while others will suffer but with peace of mind whatever obstacles life has for us, we will stand strong and overcome it all the stronger. So with that i wish you all the best for the turn of a new year and hope that you jump every hurdle standing in your way.
I guess my highlight for the year was a trip i took to sarnarth in india. it was organised through my youth group, i pretty much signed up for a course where i lived like a monk for 3 weeks. The idea of doing it still sounds pretty strange to me, but i felt that i had so many questions and i could never find resolve out in the world, i felt i had to go to at least get some closure. In short what i had to do was give up all my things wear monsatic robes and meditate all day, i lived like the average indian, living in a temple communal toilets filled with bugs and creepy crawlies. Heck i even walked barefoot on streets covered with sewerage, cow crap and peoples piss and spit. Yeah i know the idea of doing this sounds ridiculous right? Well i can't say much else other than it is.... but its liberating to let go of everything. I learnt alot from the people in india. In short they have ''jack shit'' to live with poor housing, little food, little money that means there is little reason for hope right?
WRONG! They live with so much hope and vigour they strive onwards day after day and there i was pining for my guitar and a nice big bottle of hair conditioner. But i guess living like that i realised that all those ''wordly'' things are impermanent the idea of conditioner is a fine example well metaphorically speaking anyways. When i have conditioner im as happy as larry but once its all used up(which for me is generally a 600ml bottle in 3 weeks =0) im pissed off upset and i want more and i crave for it until i get it, its all a vicious cycle well until im bald!
In summary india taught me that everything is subject change. All thoughts and possessions are subject to change so ''let go''. Thats my tune for this year letting go, to be more content to be a simple Suhada because thats where true happiness lies. Although i had nothing to call my own that was the happiest ive been in certainly a long time. I guess when there is no attatchment, no cravings and no delusion there is purity in your thoughts and actions. Its like poison and honey, so lets hope the bee's keep it sweet aye.
Well i know thise post wasn't the most elequont ive made in recent months but i felt i need to put it out there. Spending new years at Peats Ridge and going to Sarnarth was certainly one of the most amazing and humbling experiences ive ever experienced.
love. Suhada.xx
PS. I don't think i do justice to my descriptions of Sarnarth, India so here are some photoes!
firstly id like to say a happy new year to all! I have to say 2009 sucked(i couldn't think of a simple literary term to sum it up so i went with the simple option). i guess new years eve is traditionally spent with family, alchohol and the site of fireworks and other grand pyrotechnics. I guess this year i wanted to spend my last day of 2009 a bit differently.
I never intended for my blog to be used to recount events in my life rather my thoughts, but its a new year so what the heck. futhermore our personal experiences shape our outlooks, morals and views, so i thought i ought to give you guys a back story before i start spieling!
I think ive hinted in previous posts that im a buddhist, truth be told ive spent the weekends at the same temple in peats ridge for the past 8 years. i guess it gives me peace of mind. but back to the topic of new years! i spent my new year at temple, in fact my last hour of 2009 i wasn't with friends, dancing being merry and eating good food. i sat alone in a candle lit room that burned with the smell of incence. Yeh i know what your thinking, ''what a depressing to start a new year'' and well to the wider majority who think that your entitiled to your opinion. yet for me it was a chance to reflect on the year thats gone by i guess my first thoughts were that school sucked, my severely lacking love life sucked, life at home sucked, 2009 sucked. Yet after pondering that only through hardship can we learn from our mistakes and strive on to bigger better things and i guess thinking about all the hard times throughout 09 i learnt from every single mistake and bad situation. I guess what im trying to alude to is no year is truly good or bad. Some will prosper while others will suffer but with peace of mind whatever obstacles life has for us, we will stand strong and overcome it all the stronger. So with that i wish you all the best for the turn of a new year and hope that you jump every hurdle standing in your way.
I guess my highlight for the year was a trip i took to sarnarth in india. it was organised through my youth group, i pretty much signed up for a course where i lived like a monk for 3 weeks. The idea of doing it still sounds pretty strange to me, but i felt that i had so many questions and i could never find resolve out in the world, i felt i had to go to at least get some closure. In short what i had to do was give up all my things wear monsatic robes and meditate all day, i lived like the average indian, living in a temple communal toilets filled with bugs and creepy crawlies. Heck i even walked barefoot on streets covered with sewerage, cow crap and peoples piss and spit. Yeah i know the idea of doing this sounds ridiculous right? Well i can't say much else other than it is.... but its liberating to let go of everything. I learnt alot from the people in india. In short they have ''jack shit'' to live with poor housing, little food, little money that means there is little reason for hope right?
WRONG! They live with so much hope and vigour they strive onwards day after day and there i was pining for my guitar and a nice big bottle of hair conditioner. But i guess living like that i realised that all those ''wordly'' things are impermanent the idea of conditioner is a fine example well metaphorically speaking anyways. When i have conditioner im as happy as larry but once its all used up(which for me is generally a 600ml bottle in 3 weeks =0) im pissed off upset and i want more and i crave for it until i get it, its all a vicious cycle well until im bald!
In summary india taught me that everything is subject change. All thoughts and possessions are subject to change so ''let go''. Thats my tune for this year letting go, to be more content to be a simple Suhada because thats where true happiness lies. Although i had nothing to call my own that was the happiest ive been in certainly a long time. I guess when there is no attatchment, no cravings and no delusion there is purity in your thoughts and actions. Its like poison and honey, so lets hope the bee's keep it sweet aye.
Well i know thise post wasn't the most elequont ive made in recent months but i felt i need to put it out there. Spending new years at Peats Ridge and going to Sarnarth was certainly one of the most amazing and humbling experiences ive ever experienced.
love. Suhada.xx
PS. I don't think i do justice to my descriptions of Sarnarth, India so here are some photoes!
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