I can't seem to comprehend why when striving for more answers, we are left with simply more questions.
Why can't there be a manual saying how we can get ourselves out of the rutt we constantly seem to find ourselves in.
and why when faced with the curveballs life seems to chuck at us we can't seem to walk away... well at least i can't. To me walking away is the same is giving up and that is something i can't seem to agree with. I see things through till the end, i guess that comes with my nature. Yet in trying to answer all my questions and dilemas we end up in a situation far worse than we need to be.
A monk i've known all my life said to me once, ''Suhada you can't save everyone and resolve everything when you want to. Its like the person is drowning in the ocean and you jump in after them in hope to save them yet you yourself can't swim then you both drown.''
I rejected the thought of this because in the end its merely another case of running away from the issues that are most confronting right?
So i asked what else i could do, to be told. ''Cast a line and wait for them to pull on it. Wait until they want your help.''
Im not one for religious preaching but im beginning to realise that waiting isn't being weak. Rather it takes more courage to wait, putting the ones own personal needs second. Waiting isn't running rather bracing yourself for impact so the hurdles can be overcome.
To conclude all i can say is that we all walk a path of misfortune. Yet its life greatest challenges that leaves us all the stronger. Sumise to say its what allows us to grow up.
Best be off now kids
love suhada.xx
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Namesakes
Dear friends lovers sinners and saints
After a long string of deep and brooding posts i felt like doing something a bit more light hearted.
It is generally accepted that ones's name is their title, in essence it belongs to them. As tradition goes my name is Ekanayake Mudiansalagae(not certain on spelling for that) Suhada Eran Ekanayake.
Yet these names that seem so pivotal to our character were never really ours to begin with. My needlessly long spiel of a name was given to me on account of tradition and due to my parent's will.
How can something so detrimental to our lives be chosen in an instant?
In Sri Lankan tradition your given names come with a meaning. Mine being ''good hearted''. However cool that may sound how can two words simply sum up my whole being? Because my name means good hearted does that mean i can never strive past that, does it set a bench mark for my life? To further contradict that after studying Japanese for the past few years i learnt that in japanese means "bare, nude and complection"
How can i be good hearted when as far as the japanese go im destined for a career in the porn industry?
Yet if our names define us how come we all end up with several tags and nicknames. I guess majority of the time its due to convenience yet how come certain people only end up calling you by a certain name? My friends at school call me ''screw harder'' other friends call me ''sud'' my stage name is ''karasu''(japanese for raven) my sister calls me malli(sinhalese for little brother) and my mum calls me sukhi.
For a time I thought it would better suite society for the individual to choose their name, for who could know you better than yourself?
Tonight i set off for Sarnarth, India to stay in a temple and live life like an ordinary third world monk would. I will also receive a new buddhist name. I hope to find some solice on my trip to Sarnarth and what a new name may hold.
By receiving a new name i hope i can find more insight to who I am and what lays ahead as consequence of that.
Well i guess i best be off now, take care all
love Suhada.xx
After a long string of deep and brooding posts i felt like doing something a bit more light hearted.
It is generally accepted that ones's name is their title, in essence it belongs to them. As tradition goes my name is Ekanayake Mudiansalagae(not certain on spelling for that) Suhada Eran Ekanayake.
Yet these names that seem so pivotal to our character were never really ours to begin with. My needlessly long spiel of a name was given to me on account of tradition and due to my parent's will.
How can something so detrimental to our lives be chosen in an instant?
In Sri Lankan tradition your given names come with a meaning. Mine being ''good hearted''. However cool that may sound how can two words simply sum up my whole being? Because my name means good hearted does that mean i can never strive past that, does it set a bench mark for my life? To further contradict that after studying Japanese for the past few years i learnt that in japanese means "bare, nude and complection"
How can i be good hearted when as far as the japanese go im destined for a career in the porn industry?
Yet if our names define us how come we all end up with several tags and nicknames. I guess majority of the time its due to convenience yet how come certain people only end up calling you by a certain name? My friends at school call me ''screw harder'' other friends call me ''sud'' my stage name is ''karasu''(japanese for raven) my sister calls me malli(sinhalese for little brother) and my mum calls me sukhi.
For a time I thought it would better suite society for the individual to choose their name, for who could know you better than yourself?
Tonight i set off for Sarnarth, India to stay in a temple and live life like an ordinary third world monk would. I will also receive a new buddhist name. I hope to find some solice on my trip to Sarnarth and what a new name may hold.
By receiving a new name i hope i can find more insight to who I am and what lays ahead as consequence of that.
Well i guess i best be off now, take care all
love Suhada.xx
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
My island home
Self Realisation:
''Home is where the heart is, where it may journey free into nothingness''
We all strive for a place of belonging. It may be through a person, thing or memory but we all seem to be in constant search of it.
I used to think that place was on the outside and I still had to find it, yet i know now that those treasures are beneath my feet. We all have our place of belonging yet can't seem to comprehend it until we have let go of the disallusion that holds us in place.
There were words to a song that went as such
''I don't want to be that man that spends his life with treasures beneath his feet
When i look inside i found this beautiful place inside that truly sets me free
And when im there im in free from, when im there im in free form''
I hope we can all one day stop looking for the outside for all our answers but trust ourselves to know it and to find that place where we can truly reside.
Rest easy kids
Love suhada.xx
''Home is where the heart is, where it may journey free into nothingness''
We all strive for a place of belonging. It may be through a person, thing or memory but we all seem to be in constant search of it.
I used to think that place was on the outside and I still had to find it, yet i know now that those treasures are beneath my feet. We all have our place of belonging yet can't seem to comprehend it until we have let go of the disallusion that holds us in place.
There were words to a song that went as such
''I don't want to be that man that spends his life with treasures beneath his feet
When i look inside i found this beautiful place inside that truly sets me free
And when im there im in free from, when im there im in free form''
I hope we can all one day stop looking for the outside for all our answers but trust ourselves to know it and to find that place where we can truly reside.
Rest easy kids
Love suhada.xx
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Journey through the crossroads
Self Realisation:
One doesn't have to know their final destination in order to start a journey. As long as they are content with the path they lead, they would never be led astray.
In my mind it is only the seed of doubt that can lead you astray. As soon as you begin to doubt your intuition you ponder more and more on the road set before you, and the more you think the more that doubt festers.
Self belief will keep us a foot, walking down a road not meant for you and coming to the end of it full of regrets is in my eyes the greatest burden one could hold.
I think at some point we all feel as if where lost, walking a lonely road and maybe some of us are. The only advice i have to leave you with is that many others walk as we do, we only have to be willing to accept that. Trust yourself to walk a path with no shadows or regrets.
I will leave that with you, may the stars keep twinkling above you
love suhada.xx
One doesn't have to know their final destination in order to start a journey. As long as they are content with the path they lead, they would never be led astray.
In my mind it is only the seed of doubt that can lead you astray. As soon as you begin to doubt your intuition you ponder more and more on the road set before you, and the more you think the more that doubt festers.
Self belief will keep us a foot, walking down a road not meant for you and coming to the end of it full of regrets is in my eyes the greatest burden one could hold.
I think at some point we all feel as if where lost, walking a lonely road and maybe some of us are. The only advice i have to leave you with is that many others walk as we do, we only have to be willing to accept that. Trust yourself to walk a path with no shadows or regrets.
I will leave that with you, may the stars keep twinkling above you
love suhada.xx
Friday, October 2, 2009
Lost Property
Dear friends lovers sinners and saints
The term ''you never know what you truly have until its gone'' came to mind today. That being said alot of what we depend upon is taken for granted whether it be out of ignorance or greed.
A monk i have known all my life has taught me that in this world we are surrounded by suffering, brought about by craving and we have to find a path out of that. Safe to say this is a grim and ghastly topic to explain to a 7 year old so she explained as such. ''Suhada your parents may one day bring home a bag of chips(the thought of which was pretty epic, who doesn't enjoy a bag of chips!) so you decide to eat some. Once you have obtain the taste of it you figure that you enjoy it and begin to crave more so you continue eating and such you keep repeating this process until there is nothing left to eat. Once it is gone you are sad at the fact it is over and wish for more yet can't attain such. That is suffering.''
Such a profound concept explained so simply in a lesson that I don't think I will ever forget. Yet my understanding of what I learnt that day is due to greed we all crave certain things, never being content with what we have and we eventually become dissatisfied, thus leading to suffering.
I and anybody reading this blog right now live a privileged life. Yeah some of us may not have the latest iPod or the trendiest set of clothes but we have a roof over our heads, warm food on the table every day and a bed to sleep on. Im sure all of us have heard of the difficulties in third world countries like africa or parts of south-east asia. That being said im sure it makes us have some sort of remorse for what we take for granted. I think that goes to show that the value of something isn't weighted by price tag it comes with but by its hold upon the invidual. We all have attatchments(don't think i spelt that correctly) to certain objects. It may be an object, person or thought but it is dear for reasons known only to that person the term ''one man's trash is another man's treasure'' can all but sum this up.
I've started to wonder whether so much of the adversity we are faced with is due to a lack of understanding of the value something holds to another and how attatched(probably spelt wrong again =[) we as individuals become to certain things. The material things we hold close whatever it may be always have a way of slipping loose from our grips, until it is no more. What can we do once it is gone? After becoming so dependant upon something, we crave for it eternally but ultimately we are left with suffer
Its like making a cut upon ones body. Only the person who is cut knows that pain of loosing something. Yet ulitmately like all things even that suffering is impermanent. It will one day so the suffering may cease. Instead of beating around the bush with meandering similis and metaphors I will just blatantly say that everything is impermanent, such is life. I guess striving for simplicity with no real attatchement where we are content with all thats surrounds us leaves us free to the ups and downs of attatchements. In the long run attatchements is merely a ways of finding security and to delude ourselves with the fact that we may be content.
Yet how can we find such equilibrium and overcome such nature so deeply set within ourselves
I will leave you with that
Sleep easy kids
suhada.xx
The term ''you never know what you truly have until its gone'' came to mind today. That being said alot of what we depend upon is taken for granted whether it be out of ignorance or greed.
A monk i have known all my life has taught me that in this world we are surrounded by suffering, brought about by craving and we have to find a path out of that. Safe to say this is a grim and ghastly topic to explain to a 7 year old so she explained as such. ''Suhada your parents may one day bring home a bag of chips(the thought of which was pretty epic, who doesn't enjoy a bag of chips!) so you decide to eat some. Once you have obtain the taste of it you figure that you enjoy it and begin to crave more so you continue eating and such you keep repeating this process until there is nothing left to eat. Once it is gone you are sad at the fact it is over and wish for more yet can't attain such. That is suffering.''
Such a profound concept explained so simply in a lesson that I don't think I will ever forget. Yet my understanding of what I learnt that day is due to greed we all crave certain things, never being content with what we have and we eventually become dissatisfied, thus leading to suffering.
I and anybody reading this blog right now live a privileged life. Yeah some of us may not have the latest iPod or the trendiest set of clothes but we have a roof over our heads, warm food on the table every day and a bed to sleep on. Im sure all of us have heard of the difficulties in third world countries like africa or parts of south-east asia. That being said im sure it makes us have some sort of remorse for what we take for granted. I think that goes to show that the value of something isn't weighted by price tag it comes with but by its hold upon the invidual. We all have attatchments(don't think i spelt that correctly) to certain objects. It may be an object, person or thought but it is dear for reasons known only to that person the term ''one man's trash is another man's treasure'' can all but sum this up.
I've started to wonder whether so much of the adversity we are faced with is due to a lack of understanding of the value something holds to another and how attatched(probably spelt wrong again =[) we as individuals become to certain things. The material things we hold close whatever it may be always have a way of slipping loose from our grips, until it is no more. What can we do once it is gone? After becoming so dependant upon something, we crave for it eternally but ultimately we are left with suffer
Its like making a cut upon ones body. Only the person who is cut knows that pain of loosing something. Yet ulitmately like all things even that suffering is impermanent. It will one day so the suffering may cease. Instead of beating around the bush with meandering similis and metaphors I will just blatantly say that everything is impermanent, such is life. I guess striving for simplicity with no real attatchement where we are content with all thats surrounds us leaves us free to the ups and downs of attatchements. In the long run attatchements is merely a ways of finding security and to delude ourselves with the fact that we may be content.
Yet how can we find such equilibrium and overcome such nature so deeply set within ourselves
I will leave you with that
Sleep easy kids
suhada.xx
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Harmony Woods just for the lols
Dear friends lovers sinners and saints
This is a story i wrote at the start of the year. Looking back on it its rather the emo anecdotes are comical genius. Think of it what you may, but its the most fun ive ever had doing creative writing. ENJOY!
All within five minutes the way which I lived my life, the way in which I saw the world changed. It was a time of darkness these five minutes, as I would look into the core of ones self but in doing so freed myself from an endless torment.
My name is Harmony Woods, I am 17 and I enjoy reading books. Yet none of that matters in here. All I am is convict 755 to the jail wardens and for these first 5 minutes the darkness which I am succumbed with is all but a numbing pain.
I’ve always believed that people are like jig-saw puzzles. There are different sides to them, brought out by different situations. There are 5 sides in the being of Harmony Woods all of which are like different people trapped within my being. For I am strong, noble in character but still reserved and content. I glow with passion but still remain a mystery. This, my essence is why I killed a boy and why I shall be continued to be engulfed by a foreboding iniquity.
Strength is forever yearned for within people. Like when the knight clad in silver armor ablaze on his steed slays the dragon, returning human conscious to the light. As the cliché goes strength is a pillar of reassurance. Yet why would this make me take the life of another? What is this boy to me? Call him what you will yet but that cold blood lust shall always find me when I think of his resentment towards me, his resentment of a girl strong in character. It was my strength that eventually made him fall to his feet. The ghastly look on his face as the blood danced a crimson haze upon the floor. As the minute passes I realize that this strength shall only mean I am weak if reasons are unjust.
I walk a path where noble actions must exist. For without moral causes we are left with nothing but suffering. Yet this righteousness can only leave me condemned to laying at others wait. How much can one person take? For when I was met with the situation of such a helpless boy I was all but obliged to abet him. I wished for nothing but for him to be free of anger. If he could realize his anger even upon me, I knew he would be free. Yet this noble cause only resulted in my own anger being brought upon him for I ended his suffering but was wrought with affliction of my own.
Another minute passes and this dissolution I live in seems to be no clearer. What is the next piece of my puzzle? Being reserved has always kept me safe. It hides my emotions, fears and resolutions. In essence my reserved nature keeps me from being vulnerable which was all to true when I met this boy. For all his good that overbearing nature of his made him dictate me as he so pleased. It is this timid ness that took me by surprise as I lay butchery upon his feeble body. As his body crippled, a ghost of its former beauty bleeding with sorrow I came upon a realization. By letting him overcome me a growing feel of disdain meant that I would want only but to see him suffer, a suffering which is now my own.
As minutes pass by I delve further within my being. What more sides to me are there? As seconds seemingly pass by in long years I realize a sense of passion I hold. A yearning lust and desire for something, yet what does this ardent emotion lie for me? For if I am to yearn something so, something with emotion as strong as I can only meet a pitiless end. This statement, all too true and is what became of me. When I met this boy his overwhelming character could not but leave me aghast. Yet beneath all this lay a deep pain within him. My desires were to but only free him of such a pain and my determination would not falter. Yet as I followed my passion I forgot his wellbeing. Once I was overcome by such a grievous emotion I saw no than other way to end his life for him to walk away from pain. This passion could only end in anguish.
4 minutes have leaked away and all its thoughts etched within my mind. I have now begun to realize faults and emotions within my character yet I start to ask what I was to him. Such riddles he spoke in but I’ve succumbed to think I was the riddle to him. For someone so insightful I could only seem to amaze him, calling for more intrigue. I was the book he couldn’t read and it sparked a love for me I am still unable to comprehend. Such unconditional love took me whole for I felt it too. Love proves to be man’s one true form of ecstasy as its wholesome state knows no lust. Yet I could not find it within myself to accept such happiness for I was not truly worthy. For all the other reasons I couldn’t help but kill this boy his love for me was my true resounding reason. Once I left that cold, disheartened room I couldn’t help but feel a part of my self had concluded as well. Yet those glorious moments I had shall always be memories forever sweet.
Five minutes sank away…
Harmony Woods finally came to understand her being and the reasons for her dissonant actions. It was a moment of clear resounding clarity for this young girl. Yet for all onlookers it was that of a severe breakdown. Harmony broke down with echoing shouts of “Why oh why?’’. Her pale face now insipid hollows filled with discontent. Her dark eyes wrought with such pain none could understand. Tears streamed down her face as all but a jeweled twinkle. Such purity were these diamonds in a place otherwise unsanctioned.
After hours of day dwindled to a glowing ember, with much character Harmony stood for all to listen. Such respect for a meager convict was rare but her words spoken were that of a saint.’’ There have always been sides to me, so alien I could only be afraid of them. The puzzle which once lay fragmented is now whole. What may only have been few minutes was a realization of a lifetime of suffering and angst for me. So I ask you guards and convicts of the social underworld, is your puzzle whole? Well let me say this. We may believe that being here is a time of darkness and therefore we lie in the shadows. Yet we all hold shades of both light and dark meaning an ornate goodness lies within us all. So let us find peace within ourselves so we can one day walk free, free from this time of darkness.’’
This is a story i wrote at the start of the year. Looking back on it its rather the emo anecdotes are comical genius. Think of it what you may, but its the most fun ive ever had doing creative writing. ENJOY!
All within five minutes the way which I lived my life, the way in which I saw the world changed. It was a time of darkness these five minutes, as I would look into the core of ones self but in doing so freed myself from an endless torment.
My name is Harmony Woods, I am 17 and I enjoy reading books. Yet none of that matters in here. All I am is convict 755 to the jail wardens and for these first 5 minutes the darkness which I am succumbed with is all but a numbing pain.
I’ve always believed that people are like jig-saw puzzles. There are different sides to them, brought out by different situations. There are 5 sides in the being of Harmony Woods all of which are like different people trapped within my being. For I am strong, noble in character but still reserved and content. I glow with passion but still remain a mystery. This, my essence is why I killed a boy and why I shall be continued to be engulfed by a foreboding iniquity.
Strength is forever yearned for within people. Like when the knight clad in silver armor ablaze on his steed slays the dragon, returning human conscious to the light. As the cliché goes strength is a pillar of reassurance. Yet why would this make me take the life of another? What is this boy to me? Call him what you will yet but that cold blood lust shall always find me when I think of his resentment towards me, his resentment of a girl strong in character. It was my strength that eventually made him fall to his feet. The ghastly look on his face as the blood danced a crimson haze upon the floor. As the minute passes I realize that this strength shall only mean I am weak if reasons are unjust.
I walk a path where noble actions must exist. For without moral causes we are left with nothing but suffering. Yet this righteousness can only leave me condemned to laying at others wait. How much can one person take? For when I was met with the situation of such a helpless boy I was all but obliged to abet him. I wished for nothing but for him to be free of anger. If he could realize his anger even upon me, I knew he would be free. Yet this noble cause only resulted in my own anger being brought upon him for I ended his suffering but was wrought with affliction of my own.
Another minute passes and this dissolution I live in seems to be no clearer. What is the next piece of my puzzle? Being reserved has always kept me safe. It hides my emotions, fears and resolutions. In essence my reserved nature keeps me from being vulnerable which was all to true when I met this boy. For all his good that overbearing nature of his made him dictate me as he so pleased. It is this timid ness that took me by surprise as I lay butchery upon his feeble body. As his body crippled, a ghost of its former beauty bleeding with sorrow I came upon a realization. By letting him overcome me a growing feel of disdain meant that I would want only but to see him suffer, a suffering which is now my own.
As minutes pass by I delve further within my being. What more sides to me are there? As seconds seemingly pass by in long years I realize a sense of passion I hold. A yearning lust and desire for something, yet what does this ardent emotion lie for me? For if I am to yearn something so, something with emotion as strong as I can only meet a pitiless end. This statement, all too true and is what became of me. When I met this boy his overwhelming character could not but leave me aghast. Yet beneath all this lay a deep pain within him. My desires were to but only free him of such a pain and my determination would not falter. Yet as I followed my passion I forgot his wellbeing. Once I was overcome by such a grievous emotion I saw no than other way to end his life for him to walk away from pain. This passion could only end in anguish.
4 minutes have leaked away and all its thoughts etched within my mind. I have now begun to realize faults and emotions within my character yet I start to ask what I was to him. Such riddles he spoke in but I’ve succumbed to think I was the riddle to him. For someone so insightful I could only seem to amaze him, calling for more intrigue. I was the book he couldn’t read and it sparked a love for me I am still unable to comprehend. Such unconditional love took me whole for I felt it too. Love proves to be man’s one true form of ecstasy as its wholesome state knows no lust. Yet I could not find it within myself to accept such happiness for I was not truly worthy. For all the other reasons I couldn’t help but kill this boy his love for me was my true resounding reason. Once I left that cold, disheartened room I couldn’t help but feel a part of my self had concluded as well. Yet those glorious moments I had shall always be memories forever sweet.
Five minutes sank away…
Harmony Woods finally came to understand her being and the reasons for her dissonant actions. It was a moment of clear resounding clarity for this young girl. Yet for all onlookers it was that of a severe breakdown. Harmony broke down with echoing shouts of “Why oh why?’’. Her pale face now insipid hollows filled with discontent. Her dark eyes wrought with such pain none could understand. Tears streamed down her face as all but a jeweled twinkle. Such purity were these diamonds in a place otherwise unsanctioned.
After hours of day dwindled to a glowing ember, with much character Harmony stood for all to listen. Such respect for a meager convict was rare but her words spoken were that of a saint.’’ There have always been sides to me, so alien I could only be afraid of them. The puzzle which once lay fragmented is now whole. What may only have been few minutes was a realization of a lifetime of suffering and angst for me. So I ask you guards and convicts of the social underworld, is your puzzle whole? Well let me say this. We may believe that being here is a time of darkness and therefore we lie in the shadows. Yet we all hold shades of both light and dark meaning an ornate goodness lies within us all. So let us find peace within ourselves so we can one day walk free, free from this time of darkness.’’
+ vs -
Dear friends, lovers, sinners and saints
I realised today that life is very much cruel. It doesn't seem to wish the best for you, rather whatches you stumble in dismay with all the obstacles it sets forth. We all try and play the game but the game ends up playing us, and there aint no restart and try again we just all keep going. Regardless there are two ways to approach this by either being positive or negative.... yeah that was pretty obvious.
Succumbing to negativity is as the word would suggest rather dreary. To see the downside in every situation, expecting nothing of it could only lead to just that happening, nothing of consequence. For that I think of it as the easier thing to do, a path in which you that never seems to deviate. The standard is set low, failure is not merely an option but the result. Is merely being negative a way to protect yourself from what lays ahead in life because as far as I see it positivity is a risk. Your leaving yourself vulnerable, actually making an effort to jump life's hurdles instead of merely walking through them. Couldn't be negative merely be being lazy, where you let your walls crumble instead of holding it together? Yet if positive your path already so tough seems to stray holding just as many forks and dead ends is the risk worth it?
I came to realise such harshness today. To those who know me beyond the image of ''the guitar fag'' you would know this all too well. My outlook in regard to any matter is bleak, yet it was only recently that I started to consider why I did that. In years past I would like to think I was up beat, the happy go lucky type yet the vulnerability caused life's realisations to hurt all the more. I guess with negativity I like many others became closed off to the rest of the world. Yet until now I didn't seem to realise that this path led to an edge of a cliff, the bottom of which i can't see. So I figured you have to take the initiative to be positive and see the good in little things.
That was my new aim, the birds, the trees, the flowers, smells in the air pretty much anything i tried to make happy but how real can something be when you force it?
Today Jazz band had a gig at hornsby rsl for year 12 grad. The whole process i tried to view as exciting yet at the end of the night when my ma picked me up it ended in an epic rage of how irresponsible i am for not calling her enough. The whole drama made me think is being positive worth it when you can crash and burn so bad?
When your positive your walking on a thin plank that can give way at any time to leave you drowning in the ocean. So which would you rather?
I will leave you with the words of Julia Roberts in her role from ''Pretty Women'' although there is both good and bad, the bad is just so much easier to believe
sleep tight kids
suhada.xx
I realised today that life is very much cruel. It doesn't seem to wish the best for you, rather whatches you stumble in dismay with all the obstacles it sets forth. We all try and play the game but the game ends up playing us, and there aint no restart and try again we just all keep going. Regardless there are two ways to approach this by either being positive or negative.... yeah that was pretty obvious.
Succumbing to negativity is as the word would suggest rather dreary. To see the downside in every situation, expecting nothing of it could only lead to just that happening, nothing of consequence. For that I think of it as the easier thing to do, a path in which you that never seems to deviate. The standard is set low, failure is not merely an option but the result. Is merely being negative a way to protect yourself from what lays ahead in life because as far as I see it positivity is a risk. Your leaving yourself vulnerable, actually making an effort to jump life's hurdles instead of merely walking through them. Couldn't be negative merely be being lazy, where you let your walls crumble instead of holding it together? Yet if positive your path already so tough seems to stray holding just as many forks and dead ends is the risk worth it?
I came to realise such harshness today. To those who know me beyond the image of ''the guitar fag'' you would know this all too well. My outlook in regard to any matter is bleak, yet it was only recently that I started to consider why I did that. In years past I would like to think I was up beat, the happy go lucky type yet the vulnerability caused life's realisations to hurt all the more. I guess with negativity I like many others became closed off to the rest of the world. Yet until now I didn't seem to realise that this path led to an edge of a cliff, the bottom of which i can't see. So I figured you have to take the initiative to be positive and see the good in little things.
That was my new aim, the birds, the trees, the flowers, smells in the air pretty much anything i tried to make happy but how real can something be when you force it?
Today Jazz band had a gig at hornsby rsl for year 12 grad. The whole process i tried to view as exciting yet at the end of the night when my ma picked me up it ended in an epic rage of how irresponsible i am for not calling her enough. The whole drama made me think is being positive worth it when you can crash and burn so bad?
When your positive your walking on a thin plank that can give way at any time to leave you drowning in the ocean. So which would you rather?
I will leave you with the words of Julia Roberts in her role from ''Pretty Women'' although there is both good and bad, the bad is just so much easier to believe
sleep tight kids
suhada.xx
Monday, September 28, 2009
Man Cave
Dear Friends, lovers, sinners and saints
Im not sure you about you dear reader but ive always found solice in my music. Be warned that the rest of this post may end up being an intensely long spiel of my guitar BUT YOU WERE WARNED. Like many other teenage boys the idea of guitar seemed appealing and undoubtedly cool so i decided to start learning it. What began as a slab of wood, foreign to my hands and capable of so much beauty came to be my own simple ''man cave''. As my skill undoubtedly grew so did my love for it. Soon i drowned all of my life's sorrows and joys through music. To think I found a sense of belonging in what some yearn for, for so long in a inamate object baffles me still. All my emotions and regrets were bled into music, until there was nothing left. Thoughts of playing simply to look cool became a hazy memory, I had found myself a ''man cave''.
Santana said once ''music from the heart pulls at the strings of the soul'' those words have never rung truer until i run up on stage with guitar in hand. Funnily enough the first time playing for a real crowd was at HGHS with the eyes of close to what I think was 740 girls and students staring down at me and those about to play beside me. The nerves were on a high and i've come the conclusion they must have thought i was retarded, what with the needless headbanging and badass poses. Yet for the first time the music seemed to flow through me. All thoughts had gone it was just me and the music. Since then ive craved that same feeling and same emotion, but i'm to no avail.
Now blatantly obvious music is my refuge, that and everything encompassing it. What with the clothes the hair the attitude one can't help but become lost in the deluge that is music. Yet im sure the aussie bloke would feel the same thing, becoming lost under the tools of his work. To the point where the refuge in his shed better yet his man cave becomes a fickle image, which protects him from the outside.
To me the idea of a man cave is all well and good, as everyone needs their personal space to find some sort of solice. Yet its when that cave bridges a divide and begins to segment you as a person it leaves you in dismay. Yes the concept is obscure but I say it because I did just that. As i wrote above i became lost in the image that came with my music, instead of just being lost in the music. Ive always been taught to respect music from the all the teachers i've come across. However the point where i valued more of what my hair looked like and the shoes i was wearing rather than how i could improve the song or entertain the audience was when i knew this ''mancave'' was beginning to crumble.
Ive now realised that however beneficial a mental and spiritual retreat may be no matter what it is, we shouldn't depend upon it to make us secure. Wouldn't the Aussie bloke feel more secure telling his thoughts and opinions to the world in the hope is may better someone rather than sitting on his ass thinking about how grim life is? Because everybody sees him for the aussie bloke not the guy who has thoughts and opinions or hopes and dreams. He leaves people with a false image of himself and ultimately thats a lie.
Much like the aussie bloke ive done the same, time and time again. The hair that once covered my face and the image i wished to exume left me blind to who i truly was and the clarity i truly wish to find. So lo and behold I had my head shaved at youthgroup, in the hope I can find my real self. With the locks of my hair on the ground instead of on my head I was given the chance to start over, to find pure music and a pure self that isn't caught in misconceptions.
Reader i apologise for the spiel of hair and guitar. However I leave you with this, smallpiece of advice that was left with me before I had to realise the fate of cutting my hair. ''Wear your heart on your sleeve''. Finding a pace of tranquility in your mancave is a noble cause, yet don't let the shadows of the cave encroach upon you. Find the daylight and let it touch your skin, be true to yourself.
Later days
Suhada.xx
I've taken the time to write about my perspective of the world in the hope to have an understanding of the place in which we live yet for this post i want to write on the subject of ''Suhada'' in the hope I can find a better understanding of myself and the reason why I do the things I do.
Im not sure you about you dear reader but ive always found solice in my music. Be warned that the rest of this post may end up being an intensely long spiel of my guitar BUT YOU WERE WARNED. Like many other teenage boys the idea of guitar seemed appealing and undoubtedly cool so i decided to start learning it. What began as a slab of wood, foreign to my hands and capable of so much beauty came to be my own simple ''man cave''. As my skill undoubtedly grew so did my love for it. Soon i drowned all of my life's sorrows and joys through music. To think I found a sense of belonging in what some yearn for, for so long in a inamate object baffles me still. All my emotions and regrets were bled into music, until there was nothing left. Thoughts of playing simply to look cool became a hazy memory, I had found myself a ''man cave''.
Santana said once ''music from the heart pulls at the strings of the soul'' those words have never rung truer until i run up on stage with guitar in hand. Funnily enough the first time playing for a real crowd was at HGHS with the eyes of close to what I think was 740 girls and students staring down at me and those about to play beside me. The nerves were on a high and i've come the conclusion they must have thought i was retarded, what with the needless headbanging and badass poses. Yet for the first time the music seemed to flow through me. All thoughts had gone it was just me and the music. Since then ive craved that same feeling and same emotion, but i'm to no avail.
Now blatantly obvious music is my refuge, that and everything encompassing it. What with the clothes the hair the attitude one can't help but become lost in the deluge that is music. Yet im sure the aussie bloke would feel the same thing, becoming lost under the tools of his work. To the point where the refuge in his shed better yet his man cave becomes a fickle image, which protects him from the outside.
To me the idea of a man cave is all well and good, as everyone needs their personal space to find some sort of solice. Yet its when that cave bridges a divide and begins to segment you as a person it leaves you in dismay. Yes the concept is obscure but I say it because I did just that. As i wrote above i became lost in the image that came with my music, instead of just being lost in the music. Ive always been taught to respect music from the all the teachers i've come across. However the point where i valued more of what my hair looked like and the shoes i was wearing rather than how i could improve the song or entertain the audience was when i knew this ''mancave'' was beginning to crumble.
Ive now realised that however beneficial a mental and spiritual retreat may be no matter what it is, we shouldn't depend upon it to make us secure. Wouldn't the Aussie bloke feel more secure telling his thoughts and opinions to the world in the hope is may better someone rather than sitting on his ass thinking about how grim life is? Because everybody sees him for the aussie bloke not the guy who has thoughts and opinions or hopes and dreams. He leaves people with a false image of himself and ultimately thats a lie.
Much like the aussie bloke ive done the same, time and time again. The hair that once covered my face and the image i wished to exume left me blind to who i truly was and the clarity i truly wish to find. So lo and behold I had my head shaved at youthgroup, in the hope I can find my real self. With the locks of my hair on the ground instead of on my head I was given the chance to start over, to find pure music and a pure self that isn't caught in misconceptions.
Reader i apologise for the spiel of hair and guitar. However I leave you with this, smallpiece of advice that was left with me before I had to realise the fate of cutting my hair. ''Wear your heart on your sleeve''. Finding a pace of tranquility in your mancave is a noble cause, yet don't let the shadows of the cave encroach upon you. Find the daylight and let it touch your skin, be true to yourself.
Later days
Suhada.xx
Sunday, September 27, 2009
My Labido
As far as myself and my grandmother goes, we are by no means exceptionally close. I guess you could call it old age or the attitude of old Sri Lankan people but she has always tried to buy over my love with severely outdated gifts. Over the year I have received womens deo, toy cars and plastic action figures. Usually it involves me nicely saying thank you athama(sinhalese for grandma) and thinking oh shit not another one.
Today however as my mother came home after visiting her from the retirement village she pulled out my latest gift. As usual expectations were rather low, yet to my shock I was handed a copy of a ''playboy joke book'' from the 90's containing all of the mansions sexual connetations. The term ''you gotta be shitting me'' was a total understatement at the time.
I opened my new book to read the first joke ''what looks best behind women's ears?''
the catch line being ''there legs''
I like many other guys would have laughed. Yet for want of a better topic and after the hysterics and my hormones calmed down I thought why is this so funny?
I would like to think since the dawn of man us males have found some sense of arrousement in women. Nothing much has changed now call it sexual drive or hormones but I don't seem to understand why I like most others would see the opposite sex for only half of what they really are. They say ignorance is bliss yet I guess why are we so fickle that only ones physical appearance seems to matter. Any female that happens to walk my way automatically seems to set off a meter in my head that rates them from 1-10 on their looks. Yet in the end isn't something like appearance purely hollow? As cliche as it sounds whatever happened to inner beauty. I guess the point im alluding to is that appearance can get one so far. Like being born ''genetically gifted" is great and all but isn't it an individuals character and personality that gets them through life. If such a thing as a character is so important how come the meter in my head won't ever rate a girls personality from 1-10. Do people such as myself truly views ones looks so highly or are we just shallow individuals who see things for half of what they really are.
I will leave that one with you
later days
suahda.xx
ps.thanks for reminding me to fix up my grammer corbett, sorry to anyone who read my first few posts which lacked all gramatical conventions and made little sense =[
Today however as my mother came home after visiting her from the retirement village she pulled out my latest gift. As usual expectations were rather low, yet to my shock I was handed a copy of a ''playboy joke book'' from the 90's containing all of the mansions sexual connetations. The term ''you gotta be shitting me'' was a total understatement at the time.
I opened my new book to read the first joke ''what looks best behind women's ears?''
the catch line being ''there legs''
I like many other guys would have laughed. Yet for want of a better topic and after the hysterics and my hormones calmed down I thought why is this so funny?
I would like to think since the dawn of man us males have found some sense of arrousement in women. Nothing much has changed now call it sexual drive or hormones but I don't seem to understand why I like most others would see the opposite sex for only half of what they really are. They say ignorance is bliss yet I guess why are we so fickle that only ones physical appearance seems to matter. Any female that happens to walk my way automatically seems to set off a meter in my head that rates them from 1-10 on their looks. Yet in the end isn't something like appearance purely hollow? As cliche as it sounds whatever happened to inner beauty. I guess the point im alluding to is that appearance can get one so far. Like being born ''genetically gifted" is great and all but isn't it an individuals character and personality that gets them through life. If such a thing as a character is so important how come the meter in my head won't ever rate a girls personality from 1-10. Do people such as myself truly views ones looks so highly or are we just shallow individuals who see things for half of what they really are.
I will leave that one with you
later days
suahda.xx
ps.thanks for reminding me to fix up my grammer corbett, sorry to anyone who read my first few posts which lacked all gramatical conventions and made little sense =[
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Dreams and Hopes
dear friends lovers sinners and saints
i always ponder what i wanted to do with my life. yet i don't mean the restrictions of career courses uai scores and the figures of my salary. i thought of what i really wanted to do as odd as that sounds.
all the deep and meaningful pondering made me think back to a book i read once "Asturias". the book is of 5 musical prodigies chosen found by a bigshot label and are made into a band. there was one point in the book where the lead guitarist alex(obviously is my favourite character) spoke of his own hopes and dreams. yet he spoke of how when we are children the only thoughts are that of today, what we will eat or what we will play. nothing seems to go past the idea of' ''tomorrow''. he then claims of how when we are in our youth(which i relucantly happen to be apart of) we have hopes and dreams. we want to be something in the synical and cruel world we are surrounded by. finally when we are old we live in a dream of those days gone by of both the good times and the bad, simply reminicing of what we should have done differently.
i have always been taught to live in the present moment but i too have my hopes and dreams. i want to make help all who come my way and to make my mark in our society as said by mr keating in the dead poets society '' although professions such as lawyers and businessmen are all well and good the play of life goes on and you may contribute a verse''. i want to write my own verses in the play of life heck not just just a verse i wish i could have my own act. yet i want to do that under positive means, not to be remembered under a rule of tyranny like hitler but for makin a positive contribution that helped many people.
that being said i ask dear reader, do you have hopes and dreams that seemingly seem bigger than yourself, do you wish to contribute a verse.
i guess i have to leave you to sleep on that
later days
suhada
i always ponder what i wanted to do with my life. yet i don't mean the restrictions of career courses uai scores and the figures of my salary. i thought of what i really wanted to do as odd as that sounds.
all the deep and meaningful pondering made me think back to a book i read once "Asturias". the book is of 5 musical prodigies chosen found by a bigshot label and are made into a band. there was one point in the book where the lead guitarist alex(obviously is my favourite character) spoke of his own hopes and dreams. yet he spoke of how when we are children the only thoughts are that of today, what we will eat or what we will play. nothing seems to go past the idea of' ''tomorrow''. he then claims of how when we are in our youth(which i relucantly happen to be apart of) we have hopes and dreams. we want to be something in the synical and cruel world we are surrounded by. finally when we are old we live in a dream of those days gone by of both the good times and the bad, simply reminicing of what we should have done differently.
i have always been taught to live in the present moment but i too have my hopes and dreams. i want to make help all who come my way and to make my mark in our society as said by mr keating in the dead poets society '' although professions such as lawyers and businessmen are all well and good the play of life goes on and you may contribute a verse''. i want to write my own verses in the play of life heck not just just a verse i wish i could have my own act. yet i want to do that under positive means, not to be remembered under a rule of tyranny like hitler but for makin a positive contribution that helped many people.
that being said i ask dear reader, do you have hopes and dreams that seemingly seem bigger than yourself, do you wish to contribute a verse.
i guess i have to leave you to sleep on that
later days
suhada
Pilot
Dear Friends,Lovers, Sinners and Saints
this will be the first of hopefully many blog entries. i still don't know why i wanted to start a blog other than the fact that i needed somewhere to write my perspective of the complicated world we live in, somewhere i had no social or cultural restraints, where i could simply write down my thoughts and be myself.
yet for you my readers i leave to you this.
a monk ive known all my life told me once, ''Suhada life is simple our mind's just make it complicated"
i hope we may all one day find a simple life, wherever and whoever it may be with and dwell in content. i just don't know how we can get there.
later days
suhada.xx
this will be the first of hopefully many blog entries. i still don't know why i wanted to start a blog other than the fact that i needed somewhere to write my perspective of the complicated world we live in, somewhere i had no social or cultural restraints, where i could simply write down my thoughts and be myself.
yet for you my readers i leave to you this.
a monk ive known all my life told me once, ''Suhada life is simple our mind's just make it complicated"
i hope we may all one day find a simple life, wherever and whoever it may be with and dwell in content. i just don't know how we can get there.
later days
suhada.xx
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